Death becomes us

There are times in life when death seems to crop up more than usual. It’s not necessarily the same time of year, but rather coincidentally when you lose people near to you and others in your sphere seem to, and it feels as though tragedy and loss encroach and cast a shadow over life at a particular juncture.

We aren’t good with death. We don’t anticipate it, despite it being the only thing in life as certain as taxes. We are never ready for it when it arrives – either for us or for someone we love. We struggle to support the people experiencing the death of a loved one – we say trite things, we rely on cliches, or we avoid saying anything at all. In my case, when the going gets tough, the tough get cooking. A macaroni cheese is a very practical way to show support to someone who has lost someone.

We move on quickly. After all, life goes on, doesn’t it? Death is hard to hold onto if the person wasn’t in your circle or your life. A friend of mine who lost a loved one recently opined that people have moved on with their lives…they aren’t checking in anymore. It’s so hard to ‘get on with it’ when the bottom has dropped out of your world – it doesn’t go away. It comes in waves, the crashing sadness arrives unbidden, then recedes, only to return again. Eventually the distance between the waves gets further and the lapping is gentler. But it is constant.

As I get older I feel I am becoming more comfortable with the reality that death is an inevitable part of life. Is that an inevitability too?

We are having a ceremony next week to bury the ashes of two members of our extended family that we lost in the year. Reflecting on this upcoming event has brought me back to this post – started some months ago.

It will be at a natural burial ground. I really like this idea. For me, not to come over all Lion King, it’s about the circularity of life on this planet. I am born, I am nourished by the earth, I die, and I renourish the earth. In some way I remain, I am a part of the carbon cycle at least. There is something comforting about that – returning to the earth. And some worms and microbes get to have a ceili.

In terms of practicalities, I hope I get some advance notice… So I can declutter in the Scandananvian death-cleaning tradition, and nobody will know what a slovenly housekeeper and/or hopeless sentimentalist I was. So, advanced old age or a heads-up from a medical professional to ‘get my affairs in order’ would be appreciated!

For my funeral I would like to achieve the perfect balance of sorrow and appreciation of a life well lived. A heartwrenching hymn (yet to be chosen) that the choked up voices of the congregation struggle to sing without breaking, just a little… followed by a New Orleans-style second line as the (cardboard or wicker) coffin is carried out. Though in the absence of a jazz marching band, I may have to make do with the theme tune from the cricket as the post-service exit music…

Afterwards, there will be stories and reminiscences fuelled by copious quantities of tea, egg sandwiches and Guinness. After a while, someone will start to sing Irish songs and by the time Danny Boy is sung, people will be ready to stagger off to bed, dreaming of a fry-up in the morning. It sounds that good I wouldn’t want to miss it!